How I picture this Nash thing ending. It ain't pretty!

July 1st, 2012
03:24 AM
9 hours 36 minutes until FA deadline
Columbus, OH


All the GM's except Scott Howson, GM of the Columbus Blue Jackets, are sitting in a white empty room with no doors nor windows.


Lou Lamoriello (Devils): What the hell? Where are we?

Glen Sather (Rangers): I don't know.

Ray Shero (Pittsburgh): I don't know either, but I do know this is somehow Paul Holmgren's fault.

Paul Holmgren (Flyers): Oh go suck on Crosby's.... *twitch* My trade senses are tingling. Must... trade... away... our... best... backup... goalie.... for.. no... reason....

Mike Gillis (Vancouver): Does he always do that?

Ray Shero: constantly.

All of a sudden Scott Howson teleports into the front of the room.  All the GMs look on in disbelief and fear.


Glen Sather: Oh god... *facepalm* I knew this would happen eventually.

Scott Howson: Gentlemen, I have called you here to discuss Rick Nash.  And as you all can see there are no windows nor doors in this room.  I know the way out.  The only way you will learn the way out is if we can come to a fair and just decision on Rick Nash, the greatest player in the NHL since forever!

Dean Lombardi (Kings): Scotty, listen, we all want Nash on our team.  But you're asking so much.  I mean, he's great but... He's like... Not hockey Buddha!  There are players better in the NHL tod-

Scott Howson: SILENCE!!! *Gets right in Lombardi's face* NASH FOR BROWN, QUICK, KOPITAR, RICHARDS, CARTER, AND 3 DRAFT PICKS!!!! AGREED!?

Dean Lombardi: ...*puzzled look* no?

Howson pulls out a .45 and shoots Lombardi in the leg


Bob Murray (Anaheim): hahahaha!

Dean Lobardi: WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?

Scott Howson: I grow tired! AGREE! That trade is fair and just!!!

Dean Lombardi: Listen. Scotty, you and I have been good friends this year.  Remember?

Howson shoots Lombardi in the head


Scott Howson: Don't EVER doubt the will of Rick Nash!!!!!  WHO'S NEXT!?  How about you Glen!?

Glen Sather: Oh Jesus!

Scott Howson: Rick Nash... For Kreider, Gaborik, Del Zotto, Richards, and Lundqvist!

Glen Sather: Why would I do that I don't even have a backup goalie signed yet?

Howson points the gun in between Sather's eyes


Lou Lamoriello: Howson don't you think this has gone on long enough?

Scott Howson: NO! I wouldn't trade with YOU anyway!  WHY WOULD I TRADE WITH A GM WHO DOESN'T EVEN BELIEVE IN TWITTER!?

Lou Lamoriello: I will give you David Clarkson, Marek Zidlicky, the rights to Ryan Carter, and the 4th round pick. For Rick Nash, and a 5th round pick next year.

Howson walks over to Lamoriello


Scott Howson: How dare you.  You old fool!  You expect me to trade away the greatest player in the world for a fool WHO CAN'T EVEN STAY ON HIS SKATES!?  NO SIR!!

Scott Howson: Now Glen, what if I took off Lundqvist but you give me your 1st round picks for the next 3 years?

Glen Sather: No Scotty!

Scott Howson: very well.  *Shoots him in the head*  Now that we have exhausted the alternatives, I am now going to go down the list ABC order!

Bob Murray: I am not giving up Hiller or Getzlaf.  Nor the rights to Selanne.

Scott Howson: what about Nash for Ryan, Hiller, and all your draft picks next year.  I'll even throw in a draft pick of my own.  The 7th round pick of the 2045 NHL entry draft.  Agree? *points gun at his head*  And I would agree.  Because I loooove Duck hunting.

Bob Murray: I'm so tired of that jo-

Howson shoots him in the head, looks down the list, decides no team in the East is to his liking so he kills every Eastern GM except for Lamoriello, Shero, and Holmgren.


Scott Howson: I like you Atlantic Division folk.  I'm saving you till the end.  Sather is dead because he tested my patience to it's limit.  Rick Nash is the greatest player in NHL history.  And to not be jumping on the idea of having him is insane.


Ray Shero: What about Snow?! He was an Atlantic Division GM too!

Scott Howson: It's the Islanders.  They count less than anyone in the NHL.

Joe Nieuwendyk (Dallas): Scott, your team is the laughing stock of the NHL.  And you're the reason.  You have one good player who wants to leave, a goalie who fell apart after his rookie season, and that's about it. You kidnap us, tie us up in here, hold us at GUNPOINT, more than HALF of us are dead! And you expect us to negotiate a deal for Rick Nash?  I speak for everyone left here when I say that Rick is a great player, but nowhere near the skill that you are asking for with these trades.

Scott Howson: *angered* Mr. Nieuwendyk, you are one of the youngest GMs in NHL history, you won 3 Cups in your lifetime with 3 different teams.  One was with him *points at Lou*, but you didn't play in that Final did you Joey?  Did you?!

Joe Nieuwendyk: No Scott I didn't.  I was hurt.

Scott Howson: And when Brett Hull scored in 1999 OT.  He was in the crease illegally correct? *points the gun at his head*

Joe Nieuwendyk: Some people claim he was, yes.  I didn't get a good view of the goal so I don't know.

Scott Howson: Well, let me assure you.  That when Rick Nash wins his 20 Cups, not one will be controversial for him.  Now, Mike Ribiero for Rick Nash.

Joe Niewendyk: That's it?  Just Mike Rib- *realizes he just traded him away a few days ago* Oh crap...

Howson shoots him in the head.  He then kills every West GM except Ken Holland (Detroit)


Scott Howson: Kenny, our teams have been division rivals for over 25 years.

Ken Holland (Detroit): You guys have only been around for 12.

Scott Howson: No matter.  You are the one that I am most wanting to trade with. And I-

Paul Holmgren: BRYZGALOV, GIROUX, AND SCHENN FOR PATRICK EAVES!!!!

Ken Holland: uhh sure *big smile*


Scott Howson shoots Holmgren in the head


Scott Howson: Well he's pointless now.  Kenny, I'll come back to you later!  Ray, let's make this quick and painless.  I want Crosby, Malkin, and Fl-... On second thought, just Malkin and Crosby.

Ray Shero: I will give you Fleury, Martin, and next year's third round pick.  For Rick Nash, James Wisniewski, and the 6th round pick of 2013.

Howson shoots him in the chest multiple times


Scott Howson: I said... Let's make this quick and painless!!! BUT YOU CHOSE THE WRONG WAY!!!

Ray Shero: *signals Lou to come in closer* You have to know.... *cough cough*... Tell Sidney.... I love him....... *dies*

Lou Lamoriello: Why have you not killed me yet?

Scott Howson: Because I'm saving you for last.  Kenny I will give you-

Ken Holland: I will give you... uhh... *has an idea and smirks* Claude Giroux, Ilya Brygalov, Brayden Schenn, and uhhh Dan Cleary!  AND uh uh... My 2nd round pick! For Rick Nash!!!

Scott Howson: *smiles* see how easy that was?  You got yourself a deal!  *shoots Lamoriello in the head*

Lou Lamoriello instantly wakes up in a pool of sweat


Lou Lamoriello: *panting* it was just a nightmare!  *turns on the light*

Scott Howson is standing there with a knife over his bed


Scott Howson: GUESS AGAIN!!!


This was strictly satirical. I in no way, shape, or form feel that Scott Howson is murderous.  I do however feel he is absolutely nuts to demand such a high price for Rick Nash.  Obviously these trade requests are fake, not even Howson is stupid enough to try and get Crosby and Malkin for Nash.  Don't ever take anything that I post seriously.  I made a prediction that Cam Janssen would win the Conn Smythe for God sakes!